


Like I Can

by eversinceniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Boys In Love, Dramatic?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Guilt, Happy Ending, Harry's oblivious, M/M, Niall is a Good Friend, Sad, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Short Story, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, and zayn is louis' best friend, as always, btw harry has a secret, err - Freeform, haha - Freeform, harry's a bit of a slut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry sleeps around, and Louis breaks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Life hates Louis. It really really does. Which is why, at this current moment, he has two pillows held over his ears.

 

This girl is particularly loud, and Louis curses the day he ever thought it was a good idea to have the bedroom next to Harry's in their shared flat.

 

Of course, back then, Harry was more often than not in bed beside Louis, curled up around him. So it had seemed like the ideal plan, as Louis had never pictured this.

 

He can hear the sound of the headboard hitting the wall, and the girl's (probably some chick Harry picked up from the club) very annoying, high pitched moans, along with Harry's occasional grunt.

 

The girl will be here in the morning, and he'll try his hardest not to glare at her. They'll make awkward small talk, and then she'll leave, and the process will repeat the following night.

 

Louis has the routine down by now.

 

The alarm clock on the bedside table flashes 3:26, and Louis wonders when this absolute torture will be over.

 

He presses the pillows harder against his ears, and hums a tune to himself, but it still isn't enough to drown out the sounds from the other room.

 

Louis' tired, so very tired, and he just wants to sleep for one night, instead of being kept awake by Harry and his one night stands. He can't remember the last time he got more than an hour of sleep, and that''s probably not considered a good thing.

 

His head is pounding, and he knows he looks like shit. Louis' not a fool, and he knows that lately some fans have been worried about him. He can't blame them.

 

He has dark circles under his eyes, and he can't be bothered to shave, or cut his hair. He hasn't being eating normally as of late, and he's lost a ton of weight. If he's honest, he usually throws up what little he does eat, and it's not on purpose, he just always feels sick. Most of his smiles are fake, and his laughs practiced, and he's jut an absolute mess.

 

One thing no one knows is that he cuts. It's all on his upper thighs so he can still wear shorts, and no one will know unless they see him naked. He can't even count how many cuts he has. There's too many to count. There's burns, too, but only a few when he was desperate, and there wasn't a razor around.

 

As said, Louis' head is pounding, and his heart hurts, and he just wants sleep, just wants an escape.

 

Louis says he's not as insomniac, and it's mostly the truth. The source of his lack of sleep is HarryHarryHarry.

 

Always Harry fucking Styles.

 

Sometimes Harry and his partners are up until 5:00 AM, and usually he puts headphones in, and it works mostly, but he still can't fall asleep because even when he turns the sound up to full volume, the noise from the room next door still overpowers it.

 

But now, Louis doesn't even have his goddamn headphones, because they broke, and now he has nothing to do except try to keep calm, and attempt to block out the noise.

 

The girl lets out an exceptionally loud moan, and Louis sings louder to himself, wanting to drown in silence.

 

The noise only gets louder, and he knows that sometimes it can last for hours, so he presses the pillow harder against his ears, purposely hoping his eardrums will pop.

 

It continues on, and Louis buries his head in his hands, and can't help the tears of frustration that fall.

 

And suddenly, he's overcome with so many emotions. He's frustrated, angry, so so angry, and sad, hopeless, and hurt, and just so fucking in love.

 

So much love for the stupid curly haired boy he lives with.

 

Then, he's crying, and not the soft, silent kind. He presses the heel of his hand to his mouth to prevent any sounds from escaping, but it's no use.

 

Loud sobs rack his body, and he's crying uncontrollably and he can't even stop, and he's not sure he wants to.

 

He throws the pillow across the room, and it knocks over his stupid lamp, and they both fall to the ground with a crash.

 

Louis wants to hit something, wants to punch something.

 

Anything. His body is practically vibrating with anger, and he wants to stop it. He wants so many things, and it's all so fucking tiresome.

 

Louis' hands come up to his head, and he tugs on his hair, and it fucking hurts. He's pretty sure he's pulling some of it out, but he doesn't care, needs to take out his frustration on something.

 

The moans from the room next door continue to get louder, and Louis can't help himself from getting up and throwing his alarm clock at the wall. It shatters to pieces, but it's not enough, never enough.

 

Next, he picks up the medium sized fan in the corner of the bedroom, and throws it out the closed window. The glass window breaks, and some flies outside and some into the middle of the room.

 

Louis steps onto a shard of glass, and his foot is fucking bleeding, like a ton. He hisses in pain, and bites his lip so hard the skin breaks.

 

It's fine, he's fine, he has to be fine. Always fine.

 

Last of all, he grabs the life size mirror beside his bed. He's not really thinking, which is why he isn't expecting the blast of pain as his fist connects with the glass and shatters.

 

The pain is overwhelming, and he pulled some of his hair out so that his scalp is bleeding, and he has glass stuck in his foot, and in his hand, and a huge gash on his forehead where a piece of glass flew.

 

There's a razor sharp piece of glass on the floor next to him, and he picks it up. Again, he's not thinking as he slides it across the vital veins of his wrist. He just needs relief.

 

It hurts, really bad. Louis can hardly see. Blood is trickling down from the gash on his forehead, and blocking his vision. All he sees is RedRedRed, so much red.

 

Louis feels dizzy, and his head hurts, but not as bad, and he feels tired, still so tired. He tries to stop it, tries to catch himself, but he falls to the ground anyway.

 

Tears fall, and it's just sadness. Just so much sadness. He wraps his arms around himself, and wonders what his life has become. He wonders why his friendship with Harry fell through. He wonders why nobody cares, why his life is a fucking mess. And maybe this, this right here, is good.

 

His vision is blurry, and the room is spinning, and he feels content, for once. Peaceful. He thinks that he wouldn't very much mind if he died right here, right now, and he hopes Harry would be the one to find him.

 

He remembers his cut wrists, and hopes it's too late by the time someone finds him.

 

Louis' last thought before he blacks out is that the moaning and creaking of the bed from the other room finally stopped.

 

Always fine.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis wakes up in a bed.

 

At first, Louis thinks it's his own bed. But then he opens his eyes and blurrily takes in the whitewhitewhite, and he's wearing a hospital gown, and this is definitely not his bed.

 

What?

 

He's in a hospital?

 

Once his vision comes into focus, he clearly sees the boys- his boys sitting in the plastic waiting chairs that line the room.

 

They all look tired, and he can see that the boys' eyes are red rimmed, and they've obviously been crying, but why?

 

They would look adorable all bundled together, if it weren't for their teary eyes and the tension in the room.

 

Zayn has his head resting in Liam's lap, while the latter cards fingers through his hair.

 

Niall's leaning against Liam's shoulder, while Harry has an arm wrapped around his waist, staring at the floor.

 

Harry.

 

As soon as Louis looks at the curly haired boy, everything from the night (?) (how long has it been?) before floods back to him.

 

Fuck.

 

Shit.

Louis opens his mouth to speak, but his throat is dry, and all that comes out is a hacking cough. His lungs feel like they're dying, oh what the hell.

 

It gains the boys' attention that he's finally awake, and they all rush to him.

 

Niall actually jumps on him, straddling his lap and cenveloping Louis in a bone crushing hug.

 

Zayn and Liam hug him, strong but firm, once Niall has finally released him (thank god).

 

Harry...Harry doesn't hug him, or even touch him, which, it's not really all that surprising as they haven't had skin to skin contact in months, but...

 

Louis thought Harry would at least have the decency to hug him, afterall he is in the hospital, even if he doesn't know why.

 

Yeah, he wrecked his room, and got cut up a bit, but that's no reason for him to be in the hospital, is it?

 

"Don't crush me, I'm fragile," Louis jokes, hoping to lighten up the mood.

 

It doesn't have the desired effect, instead, Louis notices Niall's tearing up again, and Liam and Zayn give him sad half smile half grimaces.

 

Harry doesn't do much except keep his head down and stare at the floor, hands tucked into the pockets of his too tight jeans.

 

Louis lets his smile drop, goes to play with his fingers, but then he realizes that his hands are bandaged, and oh, yeah, he forgot about all the glass that was probably stuck in them.

 

He flexes his fingers, and has to bite back a hiss, because it hurts, bad.

 

And he's got IVs hooked up to him, and wires, and.

 

Maybe it's worse than he thought.

 

Louis looks up, and finds the boys watching him.

 

He can't help the sharp, "What?", that slips out.

 

They don't say anything, just look away, and it's seriously pissing Louis off.

 

"What?" he repeats, "Stop looking at me like that!"

 

Harry's the one who finally breaks the silence.

 

"I found you on the floor bleeding..." Harry says quietly.

 

Louis stares at him, because he's not really sure what to say.

 

"I had a feeling you would." Louis replies simply.

 

It's the first thing that comes to mind, and it's the truth, but he didn't mean to actually say it.

 

Harry gapes at him, kind of fish mouthing, and it would be funny if under different circumstances.

 

"That's what you have to say? I thought you were bleeding to death, and that's all you have to say?!" Harry shouts, angry now.

 

Liam looks like he's going to interfer but Zayn puts an arm out and stops him.

 

"What am I supposed to say?" Louis asks calmly, though he's quite scared right now because Harry is frightening when he's angry.

 

"You could tell me why!" Harry replies, no longer shouting but tone still stern.

 

"Why what?" Louis questions, and Harry gives him a blank stare.

 

"Why did I find you laying in a pool of blood and glass at 4 AM in the morning? Why was your room trashed and why was there a huge gash on your forehead?" Harry asks, voice rising with frustration.

 

"I-" Louis starts,

 

"You're a self harmer..." Niall mumbles, interrupting Louis, and the room goes quiet so suddenly.

 

"What...?" Harry whispers in disbelief.

 

"The doctor, he, uh, he told me to tell you guys..." Niall says, eyes watering.

 

"Is it true, Louis?" Liam asks, and his eyes are so sad.

 

Louis wonders why he even has to ask, especially if the doctor already confirmed it.

 

How did they find out about his cutting?

 

The only way for them to know is if they-

 

Oh...

 

The nurses must have noticed the cuts on his thighs when they changed him into a hospital gown.

And....when they saw the cuts on his wrists.

 

"I'm not. I'm not, I swear. " Louis denies, immediately.

 

"Then why would the doctor say you are?"

 

"I- I don't-"

 

"It was a suicide attempt.." Niall says, interrupting Louis once again.

 

This time, the silence is deafening. No one says a word. It's just utter silence, no one moving-

 

BANG!

 

The door to Louis' room slams shut as Zayn stomps out.

 

Louis feels tears welling up, because his best friend just walked out the door.

 

He wants to chase after Zayn, tell him he shouldn't feel guilty, it's not his fault.

 

But Louis knows that no matter what he says, Zayn will still blame himself.

 

"I-It was a suicide attempt?" Harry asks, and his eyes are wide with shock.

 

"No! It wasn't! I promise!" Louis lies, desperate.

 

"You slit your wrists, Louis!" Niall cuts in, glancing down at both Louis' bandaged wrists.

 

Harry and Liam's eyes seem to follow Niall's, finally taking notice of all the IVs and bandages.

 

"Fine! I did it! I wanted to die! Is that what you want to hear?" Louis shouts, upset.

 

Liam's eyes seem wide with horror, as if he can't believe what he's hearing,

 

"No, it's not what we want to hear, obviou-"

 

"I still want to die..." Louis whispers, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

 

Liam stops talking abruptly, and then they just stare at him unbelievingly.

 

The tension in the room is almost unbearable.

 

"Why?"

 

Oh god.

 

The question that Louis hates most in the world.

 

The question he's been dreading, but knew would come.

 

Louis doesn't want to respond, he really doesn't, but he knows he has to.

 

"I'm not happy." Louis answers, but he knows it isn't enough.

 

He'll have to say more.

 

"Why aren't you happy? Why do you want to die? What's the cause of all this? You just have to tell us, Lou." Liam replies, determind.

 

Louis doesn't respond, unsure what to say. He might slip up, and get himself cornered into telling the truth.

 

He can't have that.

 

"Love, just tell us what's making you so depressed?" Liam asks softly.

 

It's like instinct, that the moment Liam asks what's making him depressed, his gaze goes to Harry, who is already looking at him.

 

Harry's eyes widen, and it seems like he's caught on to Louis' mistake.

 

Which, no...

 

Louis quickly averts his gaze. He can't have Harry knowing he's the problem.

 

"I can't tell you..." Louis says quietly.

 

"Yes, you can. We need to know what the problem is so that we can fix this. Please, Louis," Liam says, and his voice is sweet, and his eyes kind and concerned.

 

And Louis desperately wants to tell him, tell them, Liam, and Niall, and Harry. He wants to blurt the truth out, and get it over with.

 

But he can't.

 

He can't, because it would ruin everything. It would ruin them. The band.

 

And he doesn't want pity. He can't handle pity, and he knows that's what he'd get.

 

"I'm so sorry," Louis chokes out, eyes glassy.

 

"Oh Lou," Niall murmurs, sweeping him into a hug.

 

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I can't! I can't tell you! I want to, I want to tell you, but I just can't. I'm so sorry!" Louis rambles, burying his face in Niall's shirt.

 

Niall releases him, and gives him a sad smile, "It's alright, Lou,"

 

"It's not 'alright', Niall," Harry says sharply, "Louis' just being stubborn."

 

It hurts, and he can't help but physically flinch. If only Harry knew...

 

"I'm not being stubborn, I simply can't tell you." Louis says, trying to remain calm.

 

"Yeah, sure. You have no reason to not tell us. You're just being a brat, and the attention whore that you are!" Harry says.

 

Louis can't help the way his bottom lip trembles, he's hurt, and he's so angry.

 

He feels rage, and he can't control it.

 

All of a sudden, he wants to throw words in Harry's face, wants to see him hurt, the way he's hurt Louis so many times before.

 

He wants Harry to feel at least a fraction of what he's felt over all these years.

 

It's just, Louis is so tired of being the victim. He's so tired of always being hurt, and put down, and depressed. And he's tired of not trying to stop it.

 

He's tired of everyone stepping all over him.

 

Louis glares at Harry, "Oh? You want the truth? Huh? Is that what you want? Want me to stop being a desperate for attention whore?"

 

"Lou, I didn't-" Harry starts, but is cut off almost immediently.

 

"No, my darling Hazza, you want to know the truth? Do you?" Louis taunts, blood boiling.

 

"I-y-yeah. We all do, you know that!" Harry says, stuttering slightly.

 

"Oh, Harold. You're going to wish you never said that," Louis says with a devillish smirk,

 

"The truth is, that my problem is you, Harry. You're the reason I tried to kill myself...I think that's quite a good reason, don't you?"

　

　

　

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably update the third chapter either tomorrow or Thursday, depending on when I finish it :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third Chapter! :)

Harry's reaction is priceless. His eyes widen almost comically, and his mouth drops open in a silent gasp.

 

His mouth forms around words that don't come out, and he stares at Louis in something akin to horror, before suddenly spinning around on his heel and dashing out of the room.

 

Louis tries not to feel guilty, but he still does.

 

"What was that all about!? Why would you tell him it was his fault? Do you know how worried he's been!?" Liam shouts, looking pissed off.

 

He's tired of lying.

 

"You want to know what my big secret is? I'm in love with him." Louis says quietly, resigned.

 

Liam makes a noise of surprise in the back of his throat, and a look of shock flutters across his face.

 

"Y-you...but...wait...but you're straight?" Liam asks, confused.

 

"I'm not. I don't like girls. Not that way." Louis says, letting out a sigh of relief at finally voicing one of his secrets.

 

"But why would you keep this from us!?"

 

"Why wouldn't I? I'm in love with my former best friend, whom hates me and I have absolutely no idea why! Do you think it's actually a good idea to tell people I'm gay? Even you! I'm not as close to you all as I use to be. The only one who knows about any of this is Zayn because he's my best friend! Do you know what it's like? Do you? Do you know what it's like to want someone so much, want to kiss them, want to tell them you love them? I WANT THAT! But I can't have it.

 

I want Harry to cook breakfast in the mornings for me like he used to, I want him to kiss me, and tell me how much I mean to him, I want him to make love to me! I want it ALL! But no, every single night I lay in bed and I listen to Harry fuck random strangers! Random girls! Who he picks up at clubs or wherever the fuck he goes, and I lay there and I cry and I hate myself for not being enough and I pick apart all my faults while trying to block out the noises from the other fucking room!" Louis pauses a moment, for a breathe, tears running down his cheeks.

 

"I love him," Louis says, choking on a sob, "I love him more than anything. But he's straight. He likes girls. I know that, but I can't seem to accept it. And I'm fucking tired of being so miserable. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, because no matter what he does, I will always still love him. And I think loving him is going to kill me..."

 

Niall is the first to move. He rushes to Louis' side and hugs him.

 

"No, you'll get over him eventually." Niall says.

 

"How can you be sure?" Louis asks,

 

"I can't, but we just have to hope so, yeah?" Niall responds, releasing him.

 

"I can't remember a time when I didn't love him." Louis says bitterly.

"Maybe he has feelings for you, too?" Niall suggests.

 

"No! Don't say that! It just gives me unnecessary hope, and if I have hope, I'll never be able to move on.."

 

"But there's a possibility that-" Niall starts, but gets cut off by Louis

"Then if he has feelings for me, why would he fuck random girls' every night and treat me like shit?"

 

That makes Niall go silent.

 

"I don't really know what to say," Liam speaks up.

 

"I know," Louis sighs, "and I'm sorry."

 

Harry's POV

To say Harry is shocked is an understatement.

 

He races out of the hospital, and to the parking lot.

 

It's his fault? He's the reason Louis tried to kill himself? It's so confusing, and Harry just wants answers to all the questions he has. What could he have done that was bad enough for Louis to try to commit suicide? It hurts, too, to know that he's responsible for Louis' almost death. To know that Louis' death could have been on HIS hands. Because of him.

 

Yeah, Harry's been ignoring Louis. For months now. Almost a year actually. And he hates it, misses his former best friend terribly, but he's doing it for a good reason. If Louis were to find out...

 

It's better this way.

 

He feels horrible though. Especially since he just called Louis an attention whore. He didn't mean it, not at all, it was an heat of the moment sort of thing.

 

He sees Zayn, and walks over to him.

 

"Z?" Harry asks, putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

"What?" Zayn asks sharply, stepping on his cigarette to put it out.

 

"What happened in there? Why'd you run out?"

 

"Because, I knew. I fucking knew, yet I didn't say anything! He promised me..." Zayn chokes out, eyes suddenly glassy.

 

Harry is surprised at how suddenly his mood changed.

 

"Zayn? What did you know?" Harry asks, concerned.

 

"Louis. I knew he self-harmed. Caught him in the act. But, he promised me he would stop and..." Zayn goes quiet for a moment, before his eyes darken in anger.

 

"It's your fault!" Zayn shouts, pushing Harry back against the nearest car.

 

"What are you talking about?! I didn't do ANYTHING!" Harry protests, attempting and failing to pull out of Zayn's grasp.

 

"I-I...fuck. I knew he felt that way, he told me himself, but I didn't think he would try to kill himself because of you!" Zayn yells, letting go of Harry, and tugging at his hair in what Harry assumes in frustration.

 

"Zayn, just tell me what you're talking about. Please, you've got me worried." Harry begs.

 

"I knew! I knew that Louis was self-harming, and I knew that he was depressed, and suicidal. I caught him doing it, and forced him to tell me everything. But he promised me. Louis fucking promised me that he wouldn't do anything stupid. He promised me he was going to stop cutting himself, for me. And I stupidly, believed him, and now look what's happened!" Zayn sobs out.

 

"Oh, Zayn, it's not your fault. You can't keep thinking that." Harry says, trying to be comforting.

 

"But I knew! I could have gotten him help. I could have told you and the boys and none of this would have ever happened! I can't stop blaming myself! What if you hadn't found him when you did? What if you were just a little too late, and he bled out, and he died? It would be MY fault. Louis is my best friend, I'm supposed to be there for him. Always. But I wasn't and he almost DIED."

 

Zayn has tears sliding down his face, and he falls into Harry's arms and sobs, and all Harry can do is hold the crying boy.

 

"It's okay, Z. It's okay, it's not your fault."

 

Once Zayn has finally stopped crying, Harry asks the question that's been on his mind all along.

 

"What did you mean when you said it was my fault?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have the fourth part up on maybe Monday or Tuesday! I've got a busy week so it might be delayed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY FINISHED THIS! YAY! I'm sorry that this chapter was late but I was really busy with school, and all that gross stuff, ugh. I think the ending of this kind of sucks, like it's horrible, well to me it is, so I'm going to make up for it (hopefully) in an epilogue. The epilogue will probably be up in a week or two, depending on how busy I am. :)

 

 

 

Getting back to his and Harry's shared flat is weird.

 

Apparently Louis was only unconscious for a day. The only reason the hospital released him is because he's famous, and he told them he didn't want the fans figuring out he was in the hospital, as it would cause much unneeded drama.

 

Louis has to have someone with him at ALL times. Which means one of the boys, has to moderate him even when he goes to the damn bathroom, and when he sleeps. It sucks, but he's on suicide watch. Like he would off himself so soon after getting out of the hospital.

 

To be honest, he still doesn't want to live, not even a little bit, but what can he do?

 

Niall and Liam are forcing him to see a therapist, or whatever, because they think it might help with his depression.

 

He's also on some medication, that's supposed to help.

 

Louis doubts it will.

 

Louis walks into his bedroom, Niall trailing behind him, being his official guardian for today. Geez, he feels like a child again, people keeping an eye on him.

 

The room is a mess. Glass from the mirror and window is laying all over the floor, and Louis has to watch his step, making sure he doesn't cut his already injured foot. His busted alarm clock is laying on the ground in pieces, but, there's a puddle of dried blood. There's quite a ton of it, and he can just imagine himself laying on the floor, gash on his forehead and his wrists slowly bleeding out, about to pass out only 48 hours ago. It's not a nice thought.

 

His window is still busted open, a slight draft coming in. He'll have to cover it with a board until he can call someone in to fix it.

 

"You were bad..." Niall says, from the doorway.

 

"What?" Louis asks, startled.

 

"You were in bad shape. Imagine my surprise when I got a call at 4:30 AM from Harry, telling us you were at the hospital. Went to visit you as soon as I could. You should have seen Harry...I can only imagine how he felt when he found you." Niall replies, sounding wistful.

 

"I wanted him to find me, y'know?"

 

"Why?"

 

"I wanted him to see what he made me do, even though he didn't know it was because of him," Louis laughs bitterly, "God, I sound so selfish, don't I?"

 

"A little," Niall jokes, then more serious, says, "Have you heard from them? Haven't seen them since yesterday when they ran. I'm kind of worried,"

 

"Nope, I haven't heard from either of them...has Liam?"

 

"Nah, I called him earlier, he said the same thing as us."

 

Louis groans, "We'll worry about that later...so...wanna help me clean this mess up?"

 

"Yeah, no way," Niall denies instantly.

 

"PLEASE!" Louis begs.

 

"Nope."

 

"Please."

 

"No."

 

"Please."

 

"No."

 

"Please!!"

 

"FINE! Just shush, will ya?" Niall laughs, giving in.

 

"Yay." Louis says unenthusiastically.

 

 

Harry's POV

-BEFORE-

 

_Harry hears a crash from next door. Which Is Louis' room._

 

_At first, he thinks Louis probably just dropped something, but then he hears more crashes and bangs, and he starts to get worried._

 

_He ignores it for a while, but his concern wins over._

 

_"I'll be right back," Harry tells the girl, Jasmine, that he picked up from some club._

 

_"Fine, whatever,"  She says, twirling her hair around her finger, and looking bored._

 

_He wonders how she can look so casually bored when she was moaning his name not a second ago._

 

_Harry hurriedly slips on some boxers, and walks next door._

 

__When he opens the door, he's not expecting to see Louis lying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood, and broken glass surrounding him, the room a complete wreck_._

 

_Harry's not sure where the blood is coming from, but he drops to his knees next to Louis and tries to wake him up._

 

_"Louis? Louis, wake up!" Harry says, words rushed._

  
  
_He shakes Louis, but he doesn't move._

  
  
_Louis isn't breathing._

_"FUCK! Louis, wake up, baby!" Harry whispers, putting a hand on Louis' cheek._

_Still, there's nothing._

  
_Please, please, I need you, Louis, I need you. Don't leave me, I'm so sorry, I love you, love you so so much, just wake up!" Harry yells, voice cracking as he sobs._

  
  
_He grabs his phone out of his pocket, and hurriedly dials 911._

  
  
_Once he gives them his address and they say they're on their way, he quickly goes back to his room, where Jasmine is waiting._

  
  
_"Finally, you're back," She says seductively._

  
  
_"You need to leave..." Harry replies, ignoring her advances._

  
  
_"What? Why?" Jasmine asks, pouting._

  
  
_"Because, I said so. I've got a, uh, family emergency." He lies._

_"Fine." She huffs, grabbing her stuff, and slamming the door on her way out._

  
_Harry goes back to Louis' room and waits for the ambulance._

  
  
_He's panicking and worried, and so so scared._

  
  
_If Louis dies, he's not sure how he'll live with himself._

  
  
_Because that would mean Louis died thinking Harry hates him._

  
  
_Please, live, I need you, don't die on me, Harry thinks, tears falling down his face._

  
  
_"I love you, " He mutters,_

 

 

 

-NOW-

 

Zayn gulps audibly, but stays silent.

 

"Answer me. I need to know what you meant when you said that. Louis told me it was my fault. That I'm the reason he tried to kill himself, but he didn't explain, and I need answers." Harry demands.

 

"You've got to tell me. Please, I need to know." Harry says, desperately.

 

"I can't. I'm sorry." Zayn shrugs, playing nonchalant.

 

"Zayn."

 

"I already said, I can't tell you. It's not my secret, or story, or whatever, to tell. It's Louis'. If you want to know you have to ask him." Zayn answers, shaking his head no.

 

"Please, Zayn. We both know that if it's important, Louis won't tell me." Harry begs.

 

"Why should I tell you?"

 

"Because I've been a complete, and total jackass to Louis, and I need to know how to make things right. And if I don't know what I did that made him try to attempt freaking suicide, then I can't make it up to him."

 

"I don't think you're ready for this," Zayn admits, sighing.

 

"I am. I can handle whatever it is." Harry replies, determined.

 

"Fine, okay," Zayn pauses, "I'll tell you."

 

 

Louis' POV

-BEFORE-

 

_Louis had just gotten back from visiting Liam._

  
  
_He was definitely not expecting to walk into his and Harry's flat and see Harry fucking some skank on THEIR kitchen counter._

  
  
_"Oh god," Louis mutters to himself, though he must have said it quite loud because Harry and the girl instantly look to him._

  
  
_Harry raises an eyebrow, "Kind of busy here..."_

  
  
_He hurries and races into his bedroom, closing the door, and sliding down against the wall._

  
  
_Louis can't help it, and tears instantly well up in his eyes._

  
  
_Every single day, he hears Harry fucking random girls. It's usually at night, and this is the first time he's actually SEEN it._

  
  
_It's hell, is what it is._

  
  
_He just doesn't understand, why does Harry hate him? They were best friends, inseperable, just months ago._

  
  
_And now Harry is either avoiding him like the plague, or picking on him and being an arrogant asshole_

  
  
_Louis is so confused, and so hurt._

  
  
_Everything is a mess._

  
  
_But maybe Harry will stop being rude eventually?_

  
  
_It's just wishful thinking._

 

-NOW-

 

Niall helped him clean up most of the room, most of it. They picked all the glass up off the floor so that Louis doesn't accidentally injure himself further. The only thing that hasn't been cleaned up is the alarm clock, that's shattered to pieces in the corner of the room, and the broken window, which Niall helped him board up.

 

Louis is exhausted, and he's still sore, everywhere. He decided that he'll finish cleaning up his room tomorrow, after he gets a good night of sleep in HIS bed. Finally, no more uncomfortable hospital beds. Even though he wasn't there long, the hospital bed hurt his back real bad, and he couldn't sleep last night, which is probably why he's so tired today.

 

Louis' phone buzzes in his back pocket and he turns it on.

 

He's got a text from Zayn, who they haven't heard from since the day before.

 

_From Zayn: Don't hate me lou! I did it for your own good, and sorry anyways for telling!! xx._

 

He slip his phone back into his pocket and wonders what Zayn meant.

 

Telling? Telling what? And why would Louis hate him?

 

Louis shakes his head, confused.

 

He'll have to talk to Zayn later, and figured out what he meant.

 

Stupid Zayn and his cryptic texts,

 

"Ugh, I'm regretting helping you..." Niall says, coming back from the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand.

 

"What? You barely did anything except stand there and order me around." Louis replies, chuckling.

 

"Nuh uh. I was telling you what pieces of glass you missed." Niall protests, taking a big bite of his sandwich.

 

"No, you're just lazy." Louis says, giving Niall a playful push.

 

"No, I'm very useful, don't deny it," Niall says, then more serious, " I was really worried, y'know? I don't think I've gotten a chance to tell you that yet. But I love you, you and the other boys are my best friends, and it just wouldn't be the same without you. You can deny it all you want, but we love you, and we need you, no matter what you say. And we don't just need you for the band, we need you because you're our best friend, and the band, the money, it's all just a bonus compared to the wonderful friendship that I have with you guys. So don't ever think that no one cares, because I do, we all do."

 

Louis is touched. He didn't know Niall felt that way. Niall usually isn't the very serious type, always joking around.

 

"Thank you, for saying that, Ni. And I love you, too. I really needed that, y'know? I know people care, I do, but sometimes...I just forget, I guess, and with Harry, and all, it's just really easy to forget..."

 

"Don't get all gushy on me," Niall says, and then he plants a sloppy kiss on Louis' cheek,

 

"Ewww, Niall! You got mustard all over me now!" Louis complains.

 

"You're welcome," Niall says with a cheeky smile.

 

Someone clears their throat from behind them.

 

Louis turns around slowly, and.

 

It's Harry.

 

Which Louis was not expecting.

 

His heart thumps loudly in his chest, and he tells himself to calm down,

 

"HARRY!" Niall exclaims, "Where've you been, mate?"

 

"I was with Zayn. He wanted to talk to me." Harry answers, looking at Louis.

 

"Oh? So that's why you guys weren't answer our calls!"

 

"Listen, Niall, could I talk to Louis? Alone?"

 

"Yeah, sure," Niall says, looking suspicious, "I'll just be in the kitchen."

 

Once Niall has left, Harry moves closer to Louis.

 

"Hi, Louis."

 

"Harry," Louis breathes, "What do you want?"

 

"To talk to you, obviously."

 

"About what?"

 

"About what you said in the hospital. When you said I was the reason you tried to kill yourself." Harry replies.

 

"What about it?" Louis asks, trying not to feel guilty.

 

"What did you mean? What did I do?" Harry questions.

 

"It was nothing. I was just really mad at you, for calling me an attention whore, and it was a heat of the moment thing. I didn't really mean it, y'know? Believe me, you had nothing to do with my suicide attempt." Louis lies, putting on a fake smile.

 

Harry raises an eyebrow, takes a step closer, "I know you're lying,"

 

"What?" Louis asks, shocked, "I'm not lying..."

 

Louis goes to take a step back, but realizes he's back up against the wall. Damn. Harry is so close, too close. Louis can feel Harry's minty breath hitting his face when he speaks. It takes everything in Louis, just to not look at Harry's lips as he talks.

 

"Yes, you are." Harry smirks, "I talked to Zayn, remember?"

 

Suddenly, realization hits Louis in the face.

 

What did Zayn tell him?

 

Fuck, it all makes sense now, what with that cryptic-like text.

 

"What did he tell you?" Louis asks, taking a deep breath, preparing himself.

 

"The truth," Harry says, teasingly.

 

"And that is?"

 

"That you're in love with me..." Harry answers, putting his arms against the wall, and trapping Louis in.

 

Louis can feel all the blood drain from his face. Literally. He knows. Harry knows. Oh shit, this is horrible. Louis wasn't planning on telling Harry, ever. Because now Harry will hate him even more then he already does, and he'll make fun of him for it, and tease him, all for something Louis can't help. This is a complete nightmare. Louis has to live with Harry and now Harry knows, and he'll still bring girls home, but this time he'll know that it's hurting Louis, and he won't care. And Harry will pity him, but he won't do anything differently, except feel sorry for him.

 

And Zayn told him. His best friend betrayed him.

 

"Is it true, then?" Harry asks.

 

"Yes..." Louis says reluctantly. What's the point in lying anymore?

 

"Good," Harry says, and then he does the unexpected, and kisses Louis.

 

Louis doesn't really think anything except, oh my god, what the hell? Harry is kissing me, he's kissing me. He kisses Harry back, savoring the moment, completely confused and dazed at the thought that the boy he's been in love with for four years is kissing him. Harry bites Louis' bottom lip, and he has to stifle a moan, tangling his hands in Harry's curly hair, and pulling him closer. It's like a dream come true, and kissing Harry is better then he could have ever imagined. But then he realizes that Harry is kissing him for no reason.

 

Louis pulls away sharply, "What the hell?"

"What?" Harry asks, looking adorably confused.

 

"You kissed me!" Louis exclaims.

 

"I know."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because you're in love with me,"

 

"But YOU are NOT in love with me!"

 

"Yes, I am, Louis. I love you, okay? I'm in love with you, and I always have been." Harry admits, finally.

 

"What...?" Louis asks, stunned.

 

"I'm in love with you, Louis." Harry repeats.

 

"No, you're not. You're straight! You fuck girls! And you hate me!" Louis points out.

 

"I don't hate you."

 

"Yes, you do. You've treated me like shit for the past year, avoided me at all costs, and ridiculed me!"

 

"How about this? You ask questions, and I'll answer?" Harry suggests.

 

"Fine," Louis huffs, sitting down on his bed.

 

Harry sits down besides him, making sure to keep some distance.

 

"Okay, so what the fuck do you mean when you say you're in love with me?" Louis asks right away.

 

"Alright, so this is kind of a long story-"

 

"I've got time," Louis says, cutting Harry off, "So continue,"

 

"Okay. So around a year ago, we were best friends, as you know. And that's all we were. Friends. I was fine with that. Until I started noticing you differently. I started noticing that I, uh, liked you. Liked how you look. I liked how you always touched me. I liked you eyes, and your voice, and your body, and everything about you. And I realized that I was attracted to you. I panicked. Because I've never been attracted to a guy before you, so it was...a surprise.

 

You were my best friend, and having a crush on your 'straight' best friend isn't good when there's no chance of the feelings being returned. I knew that if I told you how I feel, you would turn me down. Reject me, and then everything would be awkward and you'd pity me, and I would still love you all the same. I evaluated our whole friendship, all the little touches, the stuff I had never noticed before. The way I was drawn to you.

 

It wasn't until I realized that I'm in love with you that things went bad. I thought you were straight. I knew I was in love with you, so I started being a total asshole to you. I wanted you to hate me. I thought if you hated me, I wouldn't love you anymore because we would no longer be in contact or talking. It was a stupid idea. Because then I was an asshole, you hated me, and I still loved you, except then I couldn't freely touch you like I wanted to and it hurt more than anything." Harry pauses, tears rolling down his face.

 

"Keep going," Louis says softly.

 

Harry nods,

 

"I thought that if you knew how I felt, the band would be ruined. Everything would be ruined because of me, and Liam, Zayn, and Niall wouldn't be able to save it. It would be awkward and tense.

 

All those girls I've fucked, they mean absolutely nothing to me. And I wish I could take it back, I wish I had never been with any of them, but I can't. I only slept with them to keep my mind off of you. To distract myself, otherwise I would think of you and I would ache with how much I wanted you to love me.

 

And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, Louis, and I know that say 'I'm sorry' is just words, but I mean it, even if you don't believe me. I didn't know you loved me, I had no clue. If I had known- god, if I had known, I would have never done the things I did. I was a jackass, and I hurt you, and- fuck, you tried to kill yourself because of me, and to know that it was my fault, it's like drowning. It's fucking misery."

 

As soon as he finishes, Louis is jumping into his arms and squeezing the hell out of him.

\

"You love me? Like for real? You're not going to leave me, or realize that it was a mistake?" Louis asks cautiously.

 

"I love you more than life, Lou, and I never want to be without you. I love you so fucking much. If you had died, I don't know what I would do. I would probably off myself. I can't imagine life without you. You're everything I want and all I need." Harry admits, brushes his hand across Louis' cheek.

 

"I love you, too." Louis says, leaning into Harry's touch.

 

"I haven't fully forgiven you yet," Louis adds, "You put me through hell for a year! I need to know you're serious about this. About us...Because I can't take anymore bullshit."

 

"I'm as serious as I'll ever be. I'm not going to mess up. And I would never kid around about this sort of thing."

 

"I believe you..."

 

"One more thing," Harry says.

 

"Yeah?" Louis questions, tilting his head.

 

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

 

Louis beams, "Of course, you dumbass. This is all I've ever wanted."

 

"Can you tell me your side of the story?" Harry asks.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I mean, can you tell me everything? How long you've been in love with me, and all that. How you realized it. I have a lot I need to make up for." Harry replies.

 

"Uh, I realized it back in 2011. We were close, and I liked it, how it felt when you held me in your arms. I felt safe, and warm and happy. And I've always known I'm gay. It's just something I've known since I was little. There was a connection, instantly, when we met. But when I realized I'm in love with you, I was surprised, and scared, and worried. You were my best friend. My straight, well I thought you were straight, best friend, and being in love with you was scary.

 

It wasn't that much different. Not really. I had you. You held me, and kissed me on the nose, and told me you loved me, and back then, it was enough. I had you and it was enough. It was enough, even if you didn't love me in that way. But it was scary because I knew that if I told you, it would ruin our friendship. You wouldn't cuddle me, or tell me you loved me, because you would be scared I would take it wrong, or make a move on you. At least, that's what I thought.

 

And then, suddenly, what we had wasn't enough. It was never enough. I wanted you to love me. I wanted you to kiss me on the lips, and tell me how you were in love with me, and I wanted you to make love to me. I wanted it all. I wanted all of you! But I knew I couldn't make you love me, couldn't make you want me.

 

I was desperate. Desperate for your love. But you flirted with girls, and had short flings that I tried to ignore. But, seeing you with other people, random girls, it hurt like hell, and I knew I had to live with it if I wanted to be in your life, but it was still hard. I wanted to be them, wanted to have you the way they did.

 

I told Zayn about my feelings for you. I needed to tell someone, and he was my best friend, and I knew that I could trust him. He wasn't surprsised, said he knew it was going to happen eventually, which shocked me, but he was supportive, and he saved me until that night when he couldn't." Louis says, finishing.

 

"What about when I was an asshole to you? How'd you feel then?" Harry asks, curious.

 

"Honestly? It broke my fucking heart," Louis answers, voice a little choked, " ** _You broke my fucking heart_**.  And finally, that night, my headphones broke, and I was so sick of it all. I was tired of being ignored, and hurt. And I missed the way you held me, and how your voice was specially soft with me, and I was just done. Next thing I knew, I was throwing my alarm clock, and breaking my mirror, window, and lamp. Then I was grabbing a piece of glass of the ground, sliding across my wrist and sobbing because I loved you a little too much. And all I could think, is, I hope Harry finds me and sees what he's done to me."

 

Harry sits a little stunned.

 

"You wanted me to find you?"

 

"Yes. It sounds so horrible. But I had hoped that if you saw me laying there dead, you would realize what you had done." Louis says, embarrassed.

 

"It's not. You had every right to feel that way. And I'm sorry Louis. I'm so so sorry. I wish I had never made you feel like that! God, I'm so stupid, such a fool. I love you, y'know? I love you and I'm sorry, and I know that doesn't make up for what I did, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm not ever going to hurt you again." Harry says.

 

"I love you, too." Louis says.

 

"I promise. I'll never hurt you again."

 

"Harry, it's fine. You love me, and I love you, and this is a fucking dream come true."

 

"But I was such an asshole!"

 

"H, it's not important anymore. It's in the past. Let's live in the now, yeah? I don't want to dwell on the times when you didn't love me, and I was miserable."

 

"I'm still sorry." Harry says stubbornly.

 

"Quit apologizing and kiss me," Louis replies, smiling.

 

So Harry does...

 

That's a good way to shut him up, Louis thinks as Harry kisses him.

 

He knows there's still a lot that needs to be worked out, like his cutting addiction, and his depression, but right now, he's happy.

 

Louis can't really describe how he's feeling right now. He's so fucking happy. He finally has the love of his life kissing him, and loving him back, and honestly, things couldn't get better. It feels unreal. Like a dream he'll wake up from. But it's not. It's reality, and Louis has never been happier.

 

 

    ** _The End._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr is DayNightDarkLight. The same as my Ao3 :)

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is the same as on here :)


End file.
